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Greetings from Johnny!

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Johnny Dang Guitarist Profile

Johnny Dang

Guitarist Profile
DOB: "It wasn't yesterday!"
Favorite guitar: "Any blue guitar'll do."
Favorite musicians: "There ain't nobody but me, baby!"
Recordings/Albums: "Dang It!" (1954); "Wang Dang" (1973); "The Dang Thang" (1998).
Guitar tips: "Just play where the dots are." "Keep it simple." "Learnin' names and reasons for sh*t will f**k up your style."
Describe your practice routine: "I spend about a hour a day polishin' my axe. And a couple a hours checkin' my poses in front of the mirror. After that, it's about time for sumpin to eat and a nap."
Most memorable performance experience: "Probably last night in my bedroom. You shoulda heard me. I was awesome! But I had to shut it down early 'cause my folks said it was past my bedtime."
Describe your technique: "I'm known for creating what is known as the Controlled Flail. Everybody's tryin' to cop it." (see photo)
Little known fact: "Believe it or not, I used to be a fat assed, loser, nobody."



Johnny Dang reportedly taken prisoner in Iraq

Cultural Combatant/guitarist(?) Johnny Dang reportedly has been taken prisoner by members of Al-Qaeda in Iraq.

A website that is supposedly sympathetic to Al-Qaeda claims that JD has been taken prisoner and is being subjected to round the clock musical torture while buried to his neck in the sand.

One of the most notable tortures, as an apparent retribution, is JD being "serenaded" by rebab player Muti bin Kelbeh--arguably the worst and most obnoxious rebab player in the Middle East.

The bowed instrument is placed very close to his ear and played for hours on end.
Another technique being used is subjecting Dang to monotonous music theory lessons in order to quell his freethinking musical style.

His captors seemed to be a bit frustated with the lack of effectiveness the rebab playing has on Dang. "He seems to be really liking this. He just closes his eyes and smiles", says one of the guards.

The theory lessons, however, are taking quite a toll on Johnny. "He cries and begs for his mommy the whole time like a little baby", reports the same guard.

His captors are apparently grilling Dang as to the secret of his "Lethal Weapon" guitar lick and are hoping to form a unit of rebab players to counter the United States' highly effective "Dang Gang".



More claims of torture in Iraq

Amnesty International claims that the techniques of the United States' Cultural Combatant Johnny Dang are tortuous and unjustified.

"No one should ever be subjected to this kind of monotony, volume and incompetence", yelled an AI spokesperson at a Dang demonstration. "This is among the worst kind of torture I've ever witnessed. It has got to stop."

A Bush administration official countered that while he agreed Dang's playing was painful, one's hearing usually returns within a week with only minimal damage to the eardrums. He also stated that insurgents were voluntarily surrendering by the dozens and the US plans on forming a unit of untrained guitarists (unofficially dubbed "The Dang Gang") to utilize in future missions.

In a related story, PETA has complained that Dang's guitar playing is seriously disturbing (and killing) the local livestock and wildlife.


JD takes more prisoners.


"Musical(?) Combat Techniques" seminar


Army chicks love JD!


JD takes a hootch break.


Bush suffers a performance by JD.


JD up close with admiring troops.


Performing for the troops.


JD shows effectiveness of his guitar technique by taking prisoners.


JD demonstrates his "lethal weapon" guitar lick for officials in Iraq.


Bush introduces guitarist Johnny Dang.


Bush unleashes secret weapon in Iraq!

President Bush has appointed guitarist Johnny Dang to the newly created position of Cultural Combatant.
"His blistering tone is profoundly annoying. Any insurgent within 5 miles will likely succumb to his monotonous, one note guitar solos. Johnny is a welcome participant in the fight against terrorism. (Plus, it'll get him out of our hair for a while!)."



Johnny Dang online guitar lessons coming soon!

JD will unlock some of the mysteries of his incredible technique for all you wannabes!
Even his patented Controlled Flail!
And his "Lethal Weapon" lick as used in Iraq (as soon as it becomes de-classified)



Kudos for Johnny!

"It's amazing how he can play so simply and still get in the way!"

"JD is a guitar cod!!!"

"Guys like this make me wonder why I ever picked up the guitar"

"...Johnny is a budding star of the minimalist school of music. Perhaps the minimalist school of life too."


Music Transcription Services (MTS)

JD's personal transcriber.
Music Transcription Services (MTS)

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